13 things I know about Shame

and the antidote to shame

"The Penitent Magdalene" by Georges de La Tour (c. 1640)

What I know about shame:

1. If guilt is about what we do, shame is about what we are. Guilt is “I did something bad”; shame is “I am bad”.

2. Shame is a deeper emotion than guilt. It is of fear - the fear of being bad at your very core.

3. Shame originates with criticism, condemnation, and rejection of ourselves, by ourselves. Even when other’s words come first, our belief in the words births shame. This inner critic, while a part of us, comes from outside of us: childhood environments, power structures, systemic messaging, and other social/historical roots.

4. Shame is sometimes related to fear of failure, in which you have not separated self-worth from your performance, and sometimes, it is fear of rejection, in which you have rejected parts of yourself and fill the gaps with external validation.

5. Shame can be resistant to logical arguments because it's not about the facts, it's about the judgment we've already passed on ourselves and the fear that feeds it.

6. Shame can disguise itself as perfectionism, which arises to preemptively protect you from doing something badly (or wrong) and being a disappointment to others.

7. Shame can disguise itself as arrogance, when we adopt the armor of “better than” as a defense against the feeling of “less than.” Arrogance can mask deep insecurity. By elevating ourselves above others, we attempt to avoid the sting of shame by flipping its direction outward.

What I know about overcoming shame:

8. The antidote to shame is offering acceptance instead of judgement to yourself. The antidote is not pride nor self-esteem (which is just another judgement we make of ourselves).

9. Accepting yourself is possible through humility, self-compassion, and authenticity. Humility says "I am human and still learning," self-compassion says "that's okay, I'm worthy of love anyways," and authenticity is the courage to live from your truth—your vulnerability.

10. Humility comes from a growth mindset—the belief that our abilities and worth are not fixed, but can develop through effort, learning, and time. It is an internal quality of lightness, born from letting go of the heavy burden of needing to be 'already good enough' and embracing the freedom to grow instead.

11. Authenticity is rooted in clarity about who you are, what you value, and in the ability to stay grounded in that truth, even you are mislabeled or misunderstood. It is an internal quality of wholeness, born of self-sufficiency and an embodied sense of alignment.

"Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can't survive being spoken." —Brené Brown

12. Confiding in someone else by voicing your inner critic is a potent way to take away shame's grip on you.

“We are often scared of the consequences of revealing who we actually are or what we actually think. But whatever that “consequence” is also happens to be a direct path to the life where we are accepted and loved for who we are.” —Joe Hudson

13. If life is a journey, a scarcity mindset can make you doubt that a destination even exists where we are loved for who we are. An abundance mindset helps you believe it does, while a growth mindset gives you the courage to begin walking toward it. While you are putting one foot in front of the other, shame begins to evaporate like morning mist.

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